Just let me play my violin for you…
Whaaaaaaaaaaaattttttt up?
Hockey is so close I can feel it. Can you?? I’m already practicing my banter for my first year as a squirts hockey coach (like a cross between Ted Lasso and a clean Shoresy…more on this in the future). I can hear me and my family hollering at the TV. I can feel getting waaaaay to mad about bad calls and dumb roster moves. I can feel staying up waaaay too late to watch Yotes/Kraken on a Tuesday. I can feel sending confusing messages to my friends and family through my social media. I can smell the locker room from here.
Wait…maybe I should shower.
That’s better. Ok…I’m back.
Going to preempt the usual format for Over/Under except for one.
OVERRATED- EVERYONE’S SEASON PREVIEWS.
It’s true. In general, everyone writes previews, and unless you have a model that you base performance on, most of them are exactly the same.
Everyone else lays out the offseason moves and draft picks, spends too many words writing about things no one could possibly know, and then spends entirely too many words to come up with the conclusion that the Cup Finals will end up being Colorado/Tampa.
But not this one.
I have no model. I don’t even have a gut feeling about a lot of these teams. Nor do I have time to break down who is getting the last roster sport for the Detroit Red Wings this season. But what I do have is some (seemingly) funny observations and a word count limit.
100 words. One Gif. That’s it…that’s all.
Yeah so….let’s get started eh.
In alphabetical order by logo…
THE 2022-2023 OVER/UNDER EASTERN CONFERENCE 100 WORD DASH SEASON PREVIEW!!!!!!!
Columbus Blue Jackets– Is it me…or does this team look like when you get tired of losing on All-Star in Chel and you just get the oddest players possible to score a billion goals while playing specious defense in front of a goalie names Elvis who will probably have to face 50 shots a night? Also, giving Erik Gubranson 5 million base salary a season for the next four seems like when you get to the end of free agency in Chel and you got one roster spot left, but it’s August and the only name you recognize is Erik Gubranson and you give him more that what he needs to he doesn’t just change games and go over to your copy of GTA and beat people drug dealers for money?
BOSTON BRUINS– Is anyone going to be able to play for this team?? Lots of injuries will give some young guys a chance to play, which can be a blessing or a curse. It also gives Brad “that rat faced bast@rd” Marchand a chance to do his thang. Like getting his top row taken out after licking someones face.
I personally can not wait until we hear this next season….
“And now…starting forward for the Montreal Canadiens…David Pasternak.”
Club de Hockey Canadien– This team was bad last season. Bad. 1st overall pick bad. Taking a guy with the top overall pick with all the A’s for the rest of the draft (Slaaataarraaavaaaaskaaaaayyyy is how you spell it I think). Dumping Shea Weber to Vegas to become permanent LTIR space was a pretty good move. Nick Suzuki is the captain, and at four and a half years old he is the youngest captain in NHL history…
…until the Flyers make Connor Bedard captain next season at two and a half).
Washington Capitals– I, like most fans, am ambivalent about this team. I really don’t care. Although I am about to type a phrase I never though I would type.
Alex Ovechkin is a beautie.
I hated Ovi for most of his career, mostly because of the Pens/Caps rivalry and the overhyping of the Pens/Caps rivalry. He is the best goal scorer I have ever watched not named Lemieux or Gretzky. All seemed to have been forgiven during their 2018 Cup run that ended in a fountain. So I root for him now, even though he may or may not be a Russian spy.
New Jersey Devils– Aren’t the Devils starting to feel like the Oilers pre-McJesus? Like…weren’t they supposed to be better last season? And maybe the year before? And probably next year too? That’s all I got…
Philadelphia Flyers– Derp derp derp derp. Durrrrrrrr derp derp derp derp Torts. Derp derp derp Ellis and Schenn out for the year. Derp Derp Derp Derpity derp missed out on Johnny Gaudreau derp. Durrrrrrrrrrr durrrrrrrr durrrrrrrr got rid of the comeback player of the year who had cancer to make room for the deplorable Tony Deangelo duuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Derp derp derp derp derp trouble in the room dump dump Torts derp derp derp derp derp derp derp Orange derp derp derp tanking derp derp derp Torts derp derp derp derp derp deeeerrrrrrrpppppppppp Gritty.
Carolina Hurricanes– You know, I have hated this team for a while now. I have watched waaaaay too many Pens/Canes games on a Sunday afternoon at 4 PM that has turned into a 2-1 rock fight. However, this bunch of jerks is starting to grow on me. Love Gronk. Love Burnsie. Love Nino. Jacob Slavin is totally underrated. Wished Patches was playing this year. Got rid of Tony Deangelo. Ditch the all black unis and I might watch more games on purpose.
New York Islanders– I thought they got relegated.
THEY’RE STILL IN THE LEAGUE?????
Did they get better?
No?
They kept Barry Trotz though right? Cause if there is anyone who can get chicken salad from chick sh…
NO?? Then who did they get to coach them?
Never heard of him.
Are you sure they didn’t get relegated?
Tampa Bay Lightning– I really don’t see how this team won’t continue to Tampa Bay Lightning through this season. Play pretty good through the season. Put someone on LITR and pick up a player who just wants to win a cup. Make sure that goalie cyborg Vasilevsky doesn’t blink, which may or may not have happened yet. Losing Palat and McDonagh hurt, but I’m sure they will find replacements no one has ever heard of that have non-hockey names (Russ Colton for one) to put up numbers they have no business putting up.
Actually, there is one thing they could have done that would have sealed the a third Cup in four years.
Toronto Maple Leaf(ve)s-
I will not pick the Leafs to win the Cup this year. I will not pick the Leafs to win the Cup this year. I will not pick the Leafs to win the Cup this year. I will not pick the Leafs to win the Cup this year. I will not pick the Leafs to win the Cup this year. I will not pick the Leafs to win the Cup this year. I will not pick the Leafs to win the Cup this year. I will not pick the Leafs to win the Cup this year. I will not pick the Leafs to win the Cup this year.
Yeah…I probably will…
Florida Panthers– Was there any team in the league that decided “What we have here is never going to work, so lets send our franchises best and most solid producing player to the Wall in Westeros for a brash red head kid that talks trash and will put your nose though the back of your skull? You know….like everyone else in Florida.
That Bob contract is killing them.
Pittsburgh Penguins– Is Ron Hextall a Flyers spy??? I’m not sure he isn’t a double agent at this point. Almost let Malkin walk. Continues to believe in Kasperi Kapanen, THE MOST FRUSTRATING PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE, for some reason. Bottom six is still hot garbage. And yet, I will probably believe in them by April….again.
Big Jan Rutta fan. That defense will not be fun to play against.
Detroit Red Wings– This team will be better this season, and they would almost have to be. Also, every time I watch their games is the only time I want a Hot and Ready.
Buffalo Sabres– I don’t even think about some semblance of pizza when I think about this team.
Ottawa Senators– Did this team win the offseason? Probably. Will this team better?? Absolutely!!!! Will they make the playoffs????
Settle down.
If they improve by thirty points from last season, they would have made the playoffs by one point last year. And there is no telling how many points it may take to get in this year. I would root for competing for a playoff spot and hoping Boston falls apart/Florida games turn into the Hansen Brothers scene from Slap Shot/the Lightning forget the season has started and don’t get going until January/The Leafs combust.
Stay calm my friends from the North. Your time is coming.
New York Rangers– This team is probably set up to become the next Tampa. Years of being good and people picking them to win before finally getting it together in like 5 to 7 years. Maybe it is more accelerated than that. One bad thing though is that they can not develop players at all. Like…I’m a Pens fan…and even we can find a Mark Donk or a Jim Flibbit every now and then. All they got is top three draft picks and free agents.
Also…Jacob Trouba can take a walk.
There it is…your Eastern Conference Preview. Western Conference next week. Til then….
